It's the way that I'm feeling!

Spiritual! This morning I woke up and before I looked at the clock I said to myself "Oh, it's nine O'clock" When I looked at the clock - it was nine O'clock on the dot 9:00 ! I knew it was going to be a magical day!

Today is a day to reflect, meditate and spend something alone with myself and my spiritual talents. They are spiritual and might I add magical.

It is cloudy and a little stormy out, cooler but still muggy. But, I particularly like this weather. It stirs my creativity. Besides if it were beautiful out I would want to be out doors.

This weekend will be a solo weekend. I've been very busy the past few weekends so feel the need to indulge in myself. To speak my thoughts. To listen to my own conversation. You see in public I noticed that more of a listener and a follower. So, rightly so, there are times I need to exert myself even if done alone. I still get my way and my thoughts expressed.

I'm good at "solo"! Some of my most magical moments are experienced while flying solo! I love it! Hm! That just made me think of the good doctor. I miss her!

Maybe one day! Think I"ll draw a portrait of her. Good practice. From a picture. I really feel creative this evening! This afternoon I sang and played my guitar for awhile. I'm trying to sound professional. It's takes practice but more than that it takes confidence and "heart"! Mostly heart! Being raised Catholic I had to get over the guilt and inferior complex principles of the church ingrained in young girl's heads, imprints for a dreaded unhappy life. We are taught to serve others. To put others first. It's painful to think that is the only way you will ever be loved - conditionally. I never felt loved for being "just" me! So I draw. I express myself! I'm better than you now!

God, I was a mess as a young adult idealizing everyone thinking they better than me. I was empty puppet of a worthless shadow. At sixty, I have finally come to get past that. Frankly, I don't give a crap what anyone thinks. If that is what it takes then so-be-it. No, really, the people that I have admired turned out to be less than myself in many ways. And now I know it's because I was not encouraged, loved or nurtured as a child. I was taught not to expect anything. Which I guess was good in a way but I don't know love. It's hard for me to acknowledge love. It's like it is impossible for me to feel that someone loves me. Just how does that feel? I love myself.

Hanging with people many times gets me (us) into jams and I have to figure the way out. I'm good at this! I do really good flying solo at my own speed and at my own talents. I get tired of trying to please, or trying to keep up with the pace of others. Couples make decision and immediately I'm out numbers. Majority rules.

I have love in my heart. I know certain people do love me. I think about them at times when I'm flying solo and I depend on that knowledge to get me out there and bring me back home again. For sure, I trust in the universe and the spirit guides who loving mark my path and guide me. It's all in their hands. I fly by intuition now. In the now! I love and treasure the moment.

Break is over. Back to the drawing board. I'm taking private drawing lessons. I love it! Last night after three hours of lesson and three hours of group drawing with model, I came home and drew a portrait of a women in a picture my instructor gave me. I did good at drawing free hand. Picture by paper on large clip board angled at 45 degrees. I draw a larger image.

My instructor via demonstration showed me the cross lines and angle line method and drawing the blocks little lines at a time. A map! His turned out a perfect duplicate. I tried it. It was awful like four cars at a four way stop and no one can decide who goes first. It was awful. I found that my brain was crippled. So, he sees this and proceed to give me the picture to draw again only this times without the traffic lines. I did good! My was larger but good and looked like the subject. My instructor was impressed. I was free and un-crippled! Oh how I rejoiced by coming home and drawing away - like magic! I've done two portraits.. now for the third. So must go!

I want to read more of "Our Daily Meds" by Melody Petersen too this evening. It's a fabulous informative read that by the way only confirms my cautious inner warning intuition regarding "sales and profits at any cost" minded drug companies. You just wouldn't believe it; or, maybe you would. For example. Let's talk "overactive bladder". It's a "created" disease because of the drug Dretol. In 1992 or so, I was waiting for a doctor's appointment and saw the poster plastered big as day on the wall stated that if you pee more than eight times a day that you have overactive bladder. I was suspect immediately. Just how stupid do they think the American public is - especially the women? For I suspect more women are taking this drug than men. The poster didn't say anything about drinking a lot of coffee or tea or soda or water, only that if you pee more than eight times a day you need drugs for an "overactive bladder". How amazing is that?

Wait! There's more! There are side affects to the active bladder drug called Dretol which are hidden and unsuspecting to the patient. Memory lost, confusion are these side effects. So, patient tells the doctor and so the doctor then prescribed a anti alzheimer's drug. When the doctor only had to take the patient off of the over active bladder drug and the symptoms would have evidently gone away. See my point? A drug causes side effects and doctors prescribe more drugs to "cover" the side effects rather than "fix" or even try to discover the problem! This is not good people!

Once more we are getting drugs made in China and it's hard telling what you are getting. So beware. I am only on page sixty of a two hundred page book so have lots more to read and report back on.